Primordial Soup: Italy beat England

Italy 0 England 0 (Italy win on pens)

Andrea Pirlo

The tournament’s first goalless draw and first penalty shoot out. Italy dominated yet were extraordinarily wasteful in front of goal, while England fulfilled La Gazzetta dello Sport‘s prematch assessment that Roy Hodgson’s team were unworthy of success and their style of play was, in Gazzetta’s words, “primordial”.

Of all the pre match predictions among the English, the most confident was tactical: Italy were going to play a compact midfield diamond formation, with Andrea Pirlo orchestrating attacks from deep. This meant that England were going to have to press Pirlo relentlessly, using their strikers if need be, to deny him time and space to control the game.

As it turned out, Pirlo spent almost 120 minutes ambling about his business happily unhindered by Englishmen. He was afforded so much time and space he could pick his passes like a man browsing the paint aisle at Homebase. Early on, TV microphones picked up Joe Hart shouting at Wayne Rooney, the obvious candidate, to pick up Pirlo. Who knows if Rooney heard Hart but nothing changed.

The more worrying truth is that England are no closer to evolving into any higher form. They actually regressed in the game itself, slumping alarmingly after a relatively sprightly first 15 minutes.

After that, England’s hunter gatherer XI touched the ball like they were handling fire for the first time. Passing was totally out of the question (statistically, England’s most successful passer was goalkeeper Joe Hart — seriously). Their strategy of defence was to bravely hurl themselves in front of soaring shots, repelling attacks with legs, feet, skulls and bones. Nobody does that better than England at least.

Wayne Rooney’s lack of touch, his poor passing, and his dire fitness, epitomised England. Frustratingly, Hodgson made changes too early in the second half which made things worse. Welbeck, who was marginally more prepared than Rooney to chase back and harass Italy’s midfield, was replaced by Andy Carroll.

England’s inflexibility and their 4-4-2 formation may have survived three games, but was hopelessly inadequate for challenging even the roughest of Italian diamonds.

Hodgson’s Neanderthal game plan was revealed afterwards when he praised his team: “We worked so hard to get ourselves into the situation where we might win on penalties.” In the end, Hodgson fared no better or worse than previous managers when faced with a decent team in the knock-out stages. Going out like this, especially on penalties, is England’s level.