Hairway To Steven: England overcome Sweden

England 3 Sweden 2

Twenty two minutes into the game, Steven Gerrard  picked up the ball near the far touchline, just inside the opposition’s half. He glanced up for a nanosecond, nudged the ball a little, then launched a forty yard pass towards the penalty spot and Andy Carroll's bonce.

Andy Carroll’s thumping header to give England the lead was an act of pure patriotism — a goal so English it should be erected on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar square. Less than twenty four hours earlier, Spain had played nearly eight hundred passes to beat Ireland, lulling their victims then suffocating them like a python. Sod that. Just glide the ball onto a big Englishman’s head and have done with it.  “The plan has worked!” exclaimed BBC’s Guy Mowbray while Carroll celebrated.   

Carroll’s selection promised a battle between the last two pony tails in football — Sweden represented by their mercurial captain Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Together they resemble a dodgy defensive paring from the mid 1990s, shielded by Darren Peacock perhaps. From the start, Carroll bounded like a red setter, chasing even the most wayward balls hurled in his direction; meanwhile, Zlatan cut a frustrated figure.

Marlo Stansfield from The Wire
and Ashley Young?

England, of course, failed to hold onto their lead — heck they can’t even hold onto the ball, so what did we expect? Milner, Terry and especially Ashley Young needlessly gave the ball to the Swedes at any opportunity.

Much of the error strewn second half was a blood draining revisitation of past England traumas. At 2-1 to Sweden, I found myself scrolling through my phone’s browser to look up the exact date, twenty years ago, I watched England capitulate to the same nation on a black and white TV in Bath. That anniversary — Tomas Brolin and all that — comes on 17 June.  

England’s recovery was down to the introduction of Theo Walcott, whose speed forced Sweden onto the back foot. Walcott linked well with Danny Welbeck who has been the big surprise of the Hodgson era for me. Despite playing 27 games for Man Utd this season, I barely registered the guy until his superb chip against Belgium at Wembley earlier this month. He seemed to have drifted into the England side by default, but it’s clear by now that this guy can really play. Confidence, technique, brains, great movement; Welbeck has shown it all in Ukraine so far.

Smirking from the stands and watching the ponytails and Welbeck’s Fresh Prince fade cut was Wayne Rooney, a man whose own haircut was deemed so bad it made the front pages of the morning's tabloids. Those of us in the bald community will forever resent Rooney for his transplant treachery, and so the sound of Rooney’s new candyfloss comb-over being greeted by nationwide guffawing brings much warmth to our hearts. Almost as much as an England victory.