Pasodoble on the left hand side: Spain win the trophy

Spain 4 Italy 0

Olé! Olé! Olé! Olé! — Spain finally removed their specs, put down their script, and came out from behind their desk like Angela Rippon on the Morcambe and Wise show.

It was a magnificent display that blew away all nagging doubts about a stuffy, goalless, technical Spain, passing teams (and fans) to death. No. This was an irresistible team playing the perhaps the most exquisite football ever seen.   

Don't take my word for it, take a look at the BBC’s “overhead tactical camera” coverage of the entire game.

In the build up to the first goal, Xabi Alonso plays a sudden crossfield pass to Silva with such speed and accuracy to change the play that it looked like a giant had put his fist on the pitch, capsizing the entire Italy team.

Sixteen Years Of Hurt: Italy beat Germany

Italy 2 Germany 1

“I feel so proud” beamed Gianluca Vialli after Italy’s surprising but deserved victory against the Germany to reach the tournament final.

Vialli’s sudden appearance as a BBC pundit for this match was itself a surprise, and a very welcome one at that. It’s been too long, Gianluca, too long! While Vialli purred before during and after the game, the always watchable Jurgen Klinsmann sat next to him, wincing at the German defending. Alan Shearer completed the punditry trio: the third most fluent English speaker in the team.   

Gianluca had every right to be proud. Italy were positive, intelligent, hard working — brilliant, quite frankly. And the passion was extraordinary. The night began with skipper Gianluigi Buffon belting out the Italian national anthem, eyes closed, chest heaving. It ended with Mario Balotelli’s mother holding her adopted son for a long embrace at the side of the pitch, weeping while Mario explained that his two goals were for her.

Good, Bad and Ugly: Spain beat Portugal on pens

Spain 0 Portugal 0 (Spain win on penalties)

Bruno Alves

No player in Euro 2012 looks more like a tobacco spitting badass from a spaghetti western than Portugal’s Bruno Alves. So it was appropriate that Alves was chosen to take a penalty ahead of Cristiano Ronaldo in the climactic shoot-out against Spain.

When the time came, El Bruno paced towards the penalty spot — eyes occupied. 

The hissing crowd became silent. 

An imaginary Ennio Morricone soundtrack swelled. A church bell chimed. Trumpets blasted. Bruno looked up and eyeballed Iker Casillas. Casillas stared back. Tension unbearable then…

Nani suddenly raced forward and tapped Bruno on the shoulder to tell him he’d got the order wrong. It was actually Nani’s turn to take a penalty. Oops.

Primordial Soup: Italy beat England

Italy 0 England 0 (Italy win on pens)

Andrea Pirlo

The tournament’s first goalless draw and first penalty shoot out. Italy dominated yet were extraordinarily wasteful in front of goal, while England fulfilled La Gazzetta dello Sport‘s prematch assessment that Roy Hodgson’s team were unworthy of success and their style of play was, in Gazzetta’s words, “primordial”.

Of all the pre match predictions among the English, the most confident was tactical: Italy were going to play a compact midfield diamond formation, with Andrea Pirlo orchestrating attacks from deep. This meant that England were going to have to press Pirlo relentlessly, using their strikers if need be, to deny him time and space to control the game.

As it turned out, Pirlo spent almost 120 minutes ambling about his business happily unhindered by Englishmen. He was afforded so much time and space he could pick his passes like a man browsing the paint aisle at Homebase. Early on, TV microphones picked up Joe Hart shouting at Wayne Rooney, the obvious candidate, to pick up Pirlo. Who knows if Rooney heard Hart but nothing changed.

The more worrying truth is that England are no closer to evolving into any higher form. They actually regressed in the game itself, slumping alarmingly after a relatively sprightly first 15 minutes.

After that, England’s hunter gatherer XI touched the ball like they were handling fire for the first time. Passing was totally out of the question (statistically, England’s most successful passer was goalkeeper Joe Hart — seriously). Their strategy of defence was to bravely hurl themselves in front of soaring shots, repelling attacks with legs, feet, skulls and bones. Nobody does that better than England at least.

Wayne Rooney’s lack of touch, his poor passing, and his dire fitness, epitomised England. Frustratingly, Hodgson made changes too early in the second half which made things worse. Welbeck, who was marginally more prepared than Rooney to chase back and harass Italy’s midfield, was replaced by Andy Carroll.

England’s inflexibility and their 4-4-2 formation may have survived three games, but was hopelessly inadequate for challenging even the roughest of Italian diamonds.

Hodgson’s Neanderthal game plan was revealed afterwards when he praised his team: “We worked so hard to get ourselves into the situation where we might win on penalties.” In the end, Hodgson fared no better or worse than previous managers when faced with a decent team in the knock-out stages. Going out like this, especially on penalties, is England’s level. 

Piggy In The Middle: Spain beat France easily

Spain 2 France 0

Laurent Blanc 

Ugh. This was a meeting that promised so much eye candy, pitting France’s swashbuckling forwards against the Spanish champions. Instead, Spain inflicted a slow and suffocating death on France that was, quite frankly, unpleasant to watch.

The match was a cruel 90 minute game of piggy in the middle. It could be argued that it was won and lost not on the pitch but in the fevered mind of French coach Laurent Blanc. Blanc looked like he’d lost a lot of sleep dreading the prospect of containing the Spaniards and by sunrise his mood had slipped into paranoia. The eventual team selection was so incoherent France had two right backs.

Former world cup winner Blanc was supposed to be the man to restore Gallic flair and pride to Les Bleus. His record since taking over in 2010 was excellent, even if he had courted controversy with talk of imposing “race quotas” limiting black and Arab youth players (Blanc soon changed his tune when he realised that he'd be left with a squad of just Lloris in goal, Franck Ribery, and that bloke who used to present Eurotrash) .

The Money Shot: Germany batter Greece

Germany 4 Greece 2

Yikes! 

A game with political and financial overtones, but also a re-run of the Monty Python match of International Philosophy (Nietzsche passes to Hegel and all that) .   

As the players left the team coach the big news was that the Germans had stripped their attack and replaced it with a whole new model. Out were Podolski, Müller and the goalscorer Gomez. In was the youthful duo of André Schürrle and Marco Reus, and to replace Gomez, the veteran goalscorer Klose. Such a bold move at a critical juncture in the tournament had all the hallmarks of taking the piss.  

Entering the stadium at the same time was German chancellor Angela Merkel. I’m guessing the millions of Greeks watching at home booed and jeered as Merkel took her seat to observe proceedings like a Roald Dahl villainess. I did!  

Oops he's done it again: Shearer butts in.

Alan Shearer took a lot of flack during the 2010 World Cup for his dour demeanour. So this year, Shearer seems self consciously upbeat and proactive in his analysis, almost as though he’s being prodded with stick. But when he butts in during a monologue by Lee Dixon, Dixon shoots Gary Lineker an exasperated “he’s done it again” face at 35 seconds. What can we read from this?    

(Spotted on When Saturday Comes twitter feed)