Mister Magoo and Cross-Eyed Clarence

After Roy Hodgson's squad selection, drawn largely from the cheap plastic and rusted bolts of Anfield's subs bench, we're soon forced to face the equally uninspiring return of Lineker, Shearer and Hansen for the BBC.

Lineker, to be fair, has improved since his 2008 nadir. Having ditched his wife and hooked up with a model 20 years his junior, Gary hosted the Euros from Vienna through Lily Savage plucked eyebrows and so much botox you thought you'd pressed pause on the remote during his intros.

Hansen's dour shtick ran dry years ago, while Shearer's employment has been an ongoing travesty since he presented that apartheid documentary at South Africa 2010. In one township, Alan leaned into an ageing comrade of Nelson Mandela's and asked in that monotone supermarket floor manager voice,"So when you were segregated, how did you feel about that?"  

Clarence Seedorf

And Clarence Seedorf is back. The affable Dutchman was drafted in by the BBC in 2010 to apply his vast international experience, and on his TV debut next to Gary, praised the impact of Italy's substitute in a group game against Paraguay.  Despite entering a second decade of football in Milan, Clarence couldn't name the mystery Italian. The substitute in question was the prolific veteran Antonio Di Natale, Serie A's leading goalscorer that year and one of the most recognisable Italians since Il Duce. When Clarence couldn't get help from Hansen and co (who were equally clueless) he fumbled for a team sheet on the BBC table only to begin reading the Dutch XI for the subsequent game. 

It's not just pundits who are guilty of such brainfarts. More worryingly, when Roy Hodgson justified his selection of Alex Oxlade Chamberlain last month, he cited the eighteen year old's performance for Arsenal against Milan in February. "I saw how well he dealt with Pirlo and Ambrosini in midfield", Roy explained. He was mistaken. Squad player Ambrosini was injured and didn't feature in the game. Meanwhile, Andrea Pirlo was transferred to Juventus a whole twelve months earlier in a highly publicised move that transformed Juve's fortunes, and earned Pirlo plaudits as Seria A's player of the season. Lots of people knew this. Even I knew this. England's new manager apparently didn't. 

One Milan player who did face Arsenal last year was Clarence Seedorf. Maybe Roy got Pirlo mixed up with 'ol Clarence. With this amount of Mister Magooing about the place, anything's possible? 

(Below Roy praises the Ox for coping with the non playing Ambrosini and Pirlo. Presumably he picked Stewart Downing having seen him round Baresi and lob Dino Zoff at Anfield this year)